My boss doesn't like me.
The Situation
I am a trainee in professional practice. I am naturally quite an outgoing person with a lot of confidence and feel secure in my own skin. Although training to be a lawyer is a stretch I feel passionate about the role and comfortable that I can meet accepted standards. I tend to be able to build relationships quickly with clients. I have been part of the firm for a number of years and have a good relationship with my colleagues within the team and around the firm.
The Problem
I thought that I also had a good relationship with my team leader both at work and personally. However, I am increasingly doubting how genuine that relationship is because I feel as though he is over critical and perhaps even looking for mistakes in my work. I am perhaps not as technical as some lawyers but I know that I bring other valuable experience, knowledge and skills to the role. Yet, I feel these are being overlooked. Also, if my leader could give me the support I need in these areas I know that I could develop faster.
The Impact
I feel insecure in my role and that at any moment they could get rid of me, which is very stressful. Especially as I have a family and responsibilities (I am an older trainee). I am also struggling with confidence as the criticism means that I do not feel valued as an individual.
It sounds counter-intuitive but the more my team leader highlights any mistake and overlooks any development or positive contribution I make, the more mistakes I make. The worst thing is, the mistakes I make are silly ones, which I know that I should have noticed (and believe I normally would have). It is also meaning I’m spending longer on every piece of work, which is affecting my billing and recovery rates, so I am also under pressure for lack of commerciality.
I am finding the whole situation stressful and it is starting to affect how I, in turn, communicate with my team leader. This is knocking my confidence further as I usually pride myself on my strong and positive communication skills. It is also affecting my home life as it is harder to switch off after work and at weekends.
The Solution
These situations can be very stressful and damaging and often leaders can underestimate the impact they have on individuals within the team. However, often team members can underestimate how much they, as individuals, can navigate and influence their own environment. It’s more than you might first think!
Firstly, take back control
The solution is centred around a key mindset of “Responsible Initiative”. This can be summed up by realising that you are an interdependent (note that I didn’t say ‘independent’) self-directing person who holds the answer to your own situation. The key difference here is, rather than waiting to be led and supported by your team leader in the way you have identified, you can lead yourself to success.
Secondly, let’s look at underpinning attitudes
I’m going to introduce you to the OK Corral. This is a useful anchor when you need to understand why an individual is responding to you in a particular way, like you are currently experiencing with your leader. This model will give you awareness to what attitude you need to adopt to best handle the situation you describe and will address the communication issues that you are experiencing.
It first addresses how you view yourself:
I’m OK: My self esteem is reasonably high. I feel comfortable with this environment. I feel able to cope.
I’m not OK: I’m uncomfortable dealing with this sort of issue. I don’t feel I have necessary skills.
It then addresses how you are viewing others; and in your situation this is how yo are viewing your leader:
You’re OK: You have a right to your opinions. You are essentially decent. You have a contribution to make.
You’re not OK: You never listen. You are wrong. You won’t win this one.
These four view points can interplay together to give you the following combinations:
I’m OK. You’re not OK
I’m not OK. You’re not OK
I’m not OK. You’re OK
I’m OK. You’re OK
Depending what combination of viewpoints you are in can depend on not only how you communicate in a situation but how you perceive the communication coming towards you.
From your description of your situation, it sounds as though you are feeling inferior to your leader. You describe your communication technique has declined, is this because you are feeling defensive and are becoming self-deprecating?
The fact that you are then making more mistakes, could this be because you are perceiving differences between you and your leader as evidence of inadequacy, leading you to lose your confidence?
Are you relying on others to solve problems? Do you feel able to give feedback with any clarity or at all? And when being given feedback are you accepting it unquestioningly?
If you think that this is a fair summary of communications between you and your leader, it is likely you are holding the viewpoint of ‘I’m not OK. You’re OK’.
Where we need to get you to is entering discussions as “I’m OK. You’re OK”. This is where you are at the viewpoint that both you and your leader are fundamentally decent human beings with high self-esteems. If you are able to consciously choose this mindset, it will translate into your behaviour through being open, being confident in seeking clarification and mutual resolution when disagreements arise and you will consult others and trust yourself. You will regain your feeling of equality in the team so that you will greet feedback readily and with gratitude. You will also feel comfortable in giving feedback to your team leader (check out the StressLess Clinic column dedicated to the giving of feedback!)
ACTION: The best way to start exploring the OK Corral is through observing your interactions. Take note of how different conversations flow (or not) and then try to identify what your viewpoint of yourself was (I’m OK or I’m not OK) and what your viewpoint of the other participant was (You’re OK or You’re not OK). Once you identify your viewpoints, you’ll then start to see how your behaviour changes from situation to situation.
Try it and let me know how you get on!
Now, let’s look at the skills
By grasping this mindset of Responsible Initiative and going into every conversation with the attitude of ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ you already have a recipe for success. However, if we compliment this with developing seven key skills you will be able to turn around this situation and gain self-directing skills for life.
Please ask yourself the following to assess where you are right now. You don’t have to show your answers to anyone (although you can send them to me if you’d like me to take a look) but I’d encourage you to get brutal with yourself:
Ready? Let’s go….
1. Do you always clarify what is to be done when you’re given work? By this I mean, do you trust that the leader is giving you all the information you require or do you:
a. use questioning and listening skills to reduce ambiguity and explore expectations; and
b. ensure you are clear on the brief you are given?
2. Do you negotiate for success? If you have conflicting priorities and needs between clients and team members do you just try to figure it out yourself and hope you get it all done or do you:
a. negotiate positively to get the best possible results (like you would for a client!); and
b. aim to achieve win:win outcomes?
3. Do you manage your own workload well? Do you rely on your team leader to give you regular direction, panic about deadlines, procrastinate, take up time of team members or do you:
a. anticipate problems and find solutions, knowing the needs and wants of your manager so you can manage them; and
b. know when and how to work proactively and productively with others?
4. Do you have strategic business awareness? Do you see each piece of work you are given in isolation and distinct from each other or do you:
a. consider your case load and non-chargeable tasks within the context of the operational, tactical and strategic sides of the business (as you would when advising a legal client).
5. Do you have an understanding of yourself and others? Are you unaware of how you react under pressure and the impact that has on others or do you:
a. know yourself well and how you bring work to fruition rather than executing separate pieces of work; and
b. keep yourself grounded to moderate your behaviour and impact on others in stressful situations?
6. Do you manage your own learning and development? As a trainee, do you see your learning as being given to you formally by others and tend to repeat mistakes or do you:
a. take an active approach to your own learning and continuous development in everyday life, and
b. deal with mistakes productively as positive learning opportunities?
7. Do you manage your own career? Do you have a vague wish for what you might want and wait for opportunities to find you or do you:
a. know your vision and have clarity on what you want; and
b. stay flexible and seek out opportunities.
Ok done, what next?
Take a look to see what gaps you’ve identified in the list of skills above. Where could you be doing better?
List the skills that you think you would benefit from developing further. I’d suggest that you even go as far as scoring them as to what ones needs the most work and which needs just a little tweak.
Then let’s get to work. I challenge you to task yourself with focusing on one skill a week. I’d suggest starting off with the ones that only need a little tweak and see how much improvement you can achieve by working on it consciously for a whole week. Feel comfortable with it before moving on to the next.
And don’t forget to reflect!
I’d suggest that you journal your progress each day. Take five minutes at the end of the day to reflect on:
what went well;
what could have been better.
Then commit to trying again tomorrow.
Good luck! And please do contact me if you need any further support or challenge.
If you would like to find out more about honing your leadership skills then book a FREE 40 minute Discovery Call with me now by visiting the website!
The StressLess Clinic column
This is a monthly column, which is part of the StressLess Clinic that supports leaders in professional practice. The solutions are drawn from the core of Flying Free or Fly Higher programme, which incorporates Liberating Leadership or Pioneering Professional.
Each month I answer a scenario based on real life events so that we can all learn and improve our leadership techniques. All scenarios are anonymised so it’s just coincidence if they remind you of a colleague; we all experience similar issues!
If you’d like to submit a ‘situation’ to be considered and (if you’re the chosen one!) responded to, please do so via the Contact page on my website! Subscribe to the Skylark Post to ensure you get this monthly column and other news delivered directly to your inbox!
